SHERI JACOBS TALKS DATING CULTURE
"To relate to someone is to interact"
Daniel John
What do you think of the old saying, “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” Do you find it true or not?
I do find this aphorism to ring true. Particularly concerning is when we aren’t aware of the thoughts we think about ourselves, or if we think carrying negative thoughts about ourselves is normalized. To live without love for ourselves is to live emotionally handicapped, life often mirrors our self-perception and a life without love for ourselves is a life prone to greater difficulty. We can attract someone without love, but this is not sustainable without genuine love for ourselves.
How did you come to focus on dating culture as extensively as you have through writing and podcasting, why was it a topic you wanted to get into?
I am a writer by nature and particularly enjoy writing about my perceptions of life in this Earth School. So, when a major personal relationship ended, I started noticing an inner dialogue with myself that kept emerging, “I’m hungry for connection”. What do I mean by hungry? I’m starving to feel understood and to understand, the ideas kept percolating, pun intended, and I felt this delicious, another pun, desire to write down these thoughts. I knew I didn’t want to repeat the pattern from previous romantic relationships, those were primarily based on a diet of empty calories. The word “relationship” has the prefix “re”, meaning back or again. That’s when the lightbulb went off, relationships regularly show us who we are, reflecting our place in life. Not just physically, but emotionally. And we humans are often concerned with what we put in our mouths yet rarely consider the “diet” of our relationships. There is a reason we label a negative person as “toxic”. We may not be physically consuming food that isn’t good for us, but the cons of spending time in the company of someone who isn’t healthy for you emotionally can have potentially harmful effects as well. Relationships are everything. Not just romantic ones. To relate to someone is to interact, to reflect back to you who you are in relation to everyone else. It’s the great litmus of where you are and a regular growth activator. That’s some juicy fodder right there to write about and to explore on a podcast!
Us experiencing different dating frustrations, what are your personal red flags?
A lack of accountability and self-reflection. The two usually arrive in tandem. A lack of flexibility is another one. Cheapness is another and cheapness has nothing to do with money. It’s a mindset. A person’s bank account can be full or in the red and they can still choose to be generous with their behavior. Cheapness for me, is about a withholding of time and or effort. It means being stingy with energy and presence. A partner can be in a financially constraining situation but still make the choice to be present with the person that matters to them. Another red flag is someone who comes on strong and fast, someone who rushes intimacy without building trust.
Dating can be a serious game, but you often brought humor to it. How important do you think it is to be able to laugh at both the good and bad of dating life?
Humor is foundational for me, if I can’t laugh with someone, I can’t form a deep connection. Laughter allows vulnerability and creates shared moments of connection.
People sometimes stay in so-so relationships just so they do not have to date, or commit simply for the sake of commitment. In your view, what signals it’s the right time, whether for entering a relationship in the first place or to leave one?
That answer is going to be different for every person. I don’t believe there is one right time to stay or leave a person. The “prescription” is as unique as fingerprints. My time to leave and stay is going to be different than your time to leave and stay. But if it’s an abusive relationship, the hints that you need to leave will only grow stronger. If fear is running the show on your personal relationship, that’s a bye bye for me! Fear often manifests subtly, as rationalizing or justifying a partner’s red-flag behavior. Entering a relationship, in my book, is best over time, like a crockpot meal, simmering and developing greater intimacy “stewing together.”
What do you think dating will look like in the future. Between all of the swiping apps, or buffet lines as you have called them, AI companionship, shifting gender norms and social and bodily expectations, dating culture as we kinda know it feels like it's in motion?
We are seeing dating trends unlike anything before. Reminiscent of the “free love” era of the nineteen sixties. While AI and apps offer unprecedented convenience and choice, human connection, being seen, heard, and valued, remains timeless. So, while the surface of our dating culture might be experiencing turbulent winds, the foundation of intimacy is ultimately the same.
What are you creatively dating at the moment, any new projects or ideas you’re courting?
I have a rough draft of a manuscript I’ve written and am in the process of querying agents for this at the moment. It’s a work of fiction about a teenager caught between life and death. I wanted to create a story that shows young people how special they are and not lose themselves to the invisible yardstick so commonly held in youth. I also started a nonfiction manuscript about the concept of agency in our modern world and why it matters to live the life we truly want, a life that feels fulfilling. And I also write monthly on Medium to keep the creative faucet running.
